Ok, so I didn’t actually read the Crucial Conversations in full. I only skimmed the first and last chapters. I did however attend a two day seminar based on this book, graciously sponsored by my employer.
Here are some of my takeaways.
Conversations become crucial when stakes are high, emotions are running strong, and there are opposing views. The Crucial Conversations book is about the processes of working your way through these conversations. It provides you with tools which fit into three categories; 1: pre conversation preparation, 2: conversation, 3: action and results.
Crucial Conversations also walks you through many scenarios and provides advice for tough cases.
1: Pre-Conversation Preparation
Identify where you’re stuck – before going into a crucial conversation, you need to identify the issue. Some questions to ask yourself include:
- What result do you want to improve or fix?
- What do you have difficulty achieving?
- What problems are you constantly fixing?
- What do people complain about at home or at work?
Once you’ve identified where you’re stuck, the next step is to
Unbundle the problem – Try to think of a problem and fit it into one of the below categories. You can than focus your discussion on one of these categories (focus only one of them during a discussion for greatest success)
- Content problem – single occurrence of an issue
- Patten problems – recurring occurrence of an issue
- Relationship problem – how the problem is affecting your working relationship
Focus on what you really want – be sure that going into the conversation you know what you want out of it for yourself, others, the relationship and the organization. Think about how you would behave to show what you want and use this as a check-back during the conversation to see if you’re behaving in a way that demonstrates what you want.
Master your story – The section goes into things too look for to help you stay in dialogue when you’re in a midst of a crucial conversation.
- separate fact from story
- watch out for a victim, villain, and helpless story which help justify unconstructive behaviour
- ask yourself if there is something you’re pretending not to notice, what a reasonable rational person would do, and what you should do right now to move toward what you really want.
2: During the Crucial Conversation
Speak in a way that is persuasive but not abrasive by
- sharing your facts
- telling your story
- and asking for other’s input, clarification, or confirmation of your story
To help create trust and maintain respect be sure to talk tentatively (not forceful but also not wimpy) and invite differing opinions.
Look for hints that the other person may be starting to feel unsafe in the conversation (becoming silent or violent).
Make it safe to talk about anything by:
- building mutual respect and
- developing a mutual purpose. Depending on circumstances a lot of work may need to be put into developing a mutual purpose. This can be achieved through:
- your commitment to seek a mutual purpose
- recognize differences between strategy and purpose
- invent a mutual purpose (together)
- work on new strategies to reach the mutual purpose
Explore Others’ Paths by asking for their thoughts and feelings, mirror to confirm their feelings, paraphrase to acknowledge their story and prime if you’re getting nowhere.
Priming – help them share by taking a guess at what may be bothering them or confirming that it’s OK to share your thoughts as they won’t be attacked or dismissed.
Hopefully with all these tools you were able to reach a mutual understanding and come to a conclusion in your crucial conversation.
3: Actions and Results
Now it’s time to move to action and end the discussion. Document who will do what by when and how this will be followed up on .
Side Notes
This is a very brief, skeleton overview of the course/book. For in depth information you refer to the book or visit the author’s site HERE